Friday night

Friday night before kids:

Apply make up. Go out to club. Get drunk. Do shots. Fall over. Injure self. Bleed. Go home.

Friday night last week:

Remove make up. Make a cup of tea. Receive WhatsApp message from friend saying she is doing shots at her book club and has given herself a nosebleed. Reconsider joining book club. Put cup of tea on stairs while taking laundry upstairs. Put laundry away. Get distracted by putting pyjamas on. Walk downstairs, tripping over the cold tea. Fall arse over tit and rebound off the four last stairs like a lead-weight slinky. Catch scrotal-like elbow skin on stairs, ripping a gigantic flap away. Become alarmed at soaking wet pyjamas, not sure if blood or tea. Establish it is both. Decide to clean the guinea pigs out. Bleed profusely into their cage from elbow. Stain remove blood from a guinea pig cage.  Inspect flap where elbow used to be. Slap a bandage on the flap. Retire to sofa with wine, trying not to bend elbow too vigorously in the drinking process. Bend elbow vigorously and repeatedly. Go to bed.