Bat capes and bingo wings

I’m going through a tired, worn phase of split ends, bad skin, muffin top and lethargy, otherwise known as winter. We’ve recently ditched the buggy and without it I feel suddenly exposed. As I trot around juggling the mountains of coats and paraphernalia that I used to sling in the buggy, I realise what, in the course of raising small children, I have become. I’m sick of scuffing around town in torn trousers, battered trainers and a shrunken top. The other day I was really pleased to see a slightly glamorous photo of myself in amongst some family photos until I realised it wasn’t me.

I once accidentally left the house with a bat cape velcroed to the back of my jumper.

I don’t know about you but pride in my personal appearance has taken a nose dive. I routinely leave the house wearing something ridiculous. As an example, I once accidentally left the house with a bat cape velcroed to the back of my jumper.

I’m usually covered in food and normally dunk at least one part of my body in baked beans during the course of any day. Once it was my right boob, in public.  As for personal style, you just know that it’s time to change the style of your shoulder bag when someone tries to pay you to go on the bouncy castle.

And children aside, age has taken its toll. I’ve got hand freckles and silver temples and a layered haircut can make me look dangerously like Jilly Cooper.

As for my hair, dry shampoo plays an increasingly important role in my life. It’s only after showering, getting ready and applying Batiste that you can see if you got away with skipping a proper hair wash. More often than not, you haven’t. In desperation, I once got carried away and accidentally dry-shampooed my face; it was completely white. And children aside, age has taken its toll. I’ve got hand freckles and silver temples and a layered haircut can make me look dangerously like Jilly Cooper.

I’ve lost my mojo.

At low points like this it’s nice to to know you can rely on your family to give you a boost and this can come in many forms. Here are some examples of actual exchanges that have taken place in my house.

Trying too hard: ME: How old you think I look? WW: 32. ME: Really? Thanks! WW: At a push. ME: Why do that? WW: Say 34 then.

Logical: CHILD: Why don’t women have beards? ME: Well, most women are less hairy than men and don’t grow much hair on their face. CHILD: Mummy, you’re not a woman.

Zoological: CHILD (pointing to my armpits): “You look like a gorilla who has lost all of its hair apart from there!”

Random observations that have really lifted my spirits include: “Mum, your bum is bigger than this house!”

Heartwarming: Why did your tummy not go back to the same as before? ME: Do you think I’m too fat? CHILD: Yes. But not too fat for me.

Helpful: CHILD: What toy would you like Father Christmas to bring you next year? ME: What do you think I should ask for? CHILD: New make-up?

Scientific. ME (getting in bath): This is a bit deep! CHILD: If you stand up Mum, the water will go down loads!

PS: Random observations that have really lifted my spirits include: “Mum, your bum is bigger than this house!”, “Mummy, are you a hippo?”, “You really do look like a man with long hair Mummy,” “I want to wear giant pants like you” and my personal favourite: “Mum have you got a walking stick?”


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  8 comments for “Bat capes and bingo wings

  1. March 8, 2017 at 3:43 pm

    gotta love the mouths of babes. Mine once asked me when I was having the next baby #dreamteam

    • March 14, 2017 at 11:25 am


  2. March 13, 2017 at 8:36 pm

    I often wonder what I’ve become too! It’ll all come good, won’t it? WON’T it? 😉 #DreamTeam

    • March 14, 2017 at 11:23 am

      Yes, yes it will! 🙂

  3. March 13, 2017 at 10:57 pm

    Oh I am with you here 100% – I couldn’t put my finger on it but as we’ve recently ditched the buggy too, I think that’s why I’m feeling a bit insecure when I walk around. I really need to get healthy but almost don’t know where to start! Thanks for linking to #dreamteam x

    • March 14, 2017 at 11:24 am

      The buggy was an amazing cover-it-all disguise! No what???!?! 🙂 Thanks for reading! xx

  4. March 14, 2017 at 5:40 am

    That is hilarious and I am with you all the way! My kids have yet to start tearing apart my self esteem as they’re still a bit too young to properly embrace that role. My nan does quite well though. For Christmas I made her a personalized book of poems about the kids. It was a proper hardback book filed with colour photos etc. Took me forever. She opened it and the first thing she said was “Is that a picture of your friend?” Me: “No Nan – it’s me.” Nan: “Well it looks nothing like you – she’s thin!” Put me off my Christmas pud I can tell you!? This really made me chuckle. Thanks for sharing it with #DreamTeam x

    • March 14, 2017 at 11:17 am

      Oh Nan!! That’s hilarious. If we’re not getting it from one side, it’s the other! Thanks for reading xxx

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