Catalogue of rejection

Like most expectant mothers, I often found myself snuzzling up to fluffy blankets in shops, cooing over bunny-emblazoned bed linen, clasping tufty-eared creatures to my bosom, dreaming of a pink sleepy baby, cocooned in 100% cotton, only to be rudely awoken by a quick glance at the price tag.

BUB.1 and BUB.2 have a lot in common and one thing they share is they’ve both rejected baby products left, right and centre.

For instance, I’ve tried to get them both to befriend something cute and fluffy to provide reassurance in the night, or when separated from me (which perhaps tellingly is almost never), but turns out they don’t need reassurance. They just need me. This is one hell of a neglected cow.

On the advice of a friend I bought one of those miracle Fisher Price Soothe and Glow Seahorses to calm BUB.2 at night.  It gets rave reviews on Amazon. This poor creature was taken to Grandma and Granddad’s house one weekend and went missing for months. No one really noticed until it was discovered lying face down in a pool of rainwater under Granddad’s boat in the garden. Aglow it was not.

And lord only knows where the obligatory Sophie the Giraffe went. She left BUB.2 cold when I finally relented to mummy peer pressure and furnished his pram with one. It’s a teething toy but the BUBs didn’t seem to mind teething. Again, that’s not in the brochure is it?

A quick glance through any baby catalogue and there are items in there I know I have bought but have not seen since. I think kids just have their thing. It might be a fluffy cow or a chewy giraffe, or it might be anything with wheels. Or a mini desk fan or a wok lid (BUB.1 and BUB.2’s favourite things at the moment).

I realise there are lots of babies who gain comfort from the appropriate, fluffy things and they help to give mums a break. It must be something I do, or don’t do, or can’t be bothered to do. It just seems so much easier to BE the seahorse or the giraffe or the cow than to foist it on the baby long enough to make it love it. Either that, or my children have serious attachment issues.

Thinking about it, they really don’t seem to like anything that reeks of baby. It was the same with dummies. No thank you. Sippy cup? No, I’ll have a pint of Guinness please. Well, not quite, but they’d rather drink from a normal cup or water bottle.

Maybe it’s my fault. Like so many baby products, I never really “got” sippy cups. Most of them come with “valves” which are supposed to prevent them leaking but experts advise you to remove these to allow a free flow of liquid. What?

You see my brain has already switched off. The BUBs will guzzle happily on a Sistema twister bottle, maybe because it’s a bit nipple-like? Or they’ll happily sink a normal beaker of juice. Surely in the good old days babies went from the boob to a cup. And they were OK, weren’t they?

I mean what is this? And why did I part with money for it?

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